


A Study In Nourishment

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge [22]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Body Image, Food Issues, Food Kink, Food Sex, Gen, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Related, Perfectionism, Possible eating disorders, Redeemed Ben Solo, aftermath of redemption, body image issues, body issues, possible body dysphoria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 16:30:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10643724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: Ten instances of food playing a role in Ben Solo's life, as Ben and as Kylo Ren.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Food and cooking
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author's Notes: Yeah, it's another case of my titles not being up to snuff. Sorry. Also, was inspired by Michael Kogge's novelization of TFA (notably Han thinking his son looked like he deprived himself of food, which got me curious) for one of the facts regarding Kylo. And a possible trigger warning for a discussion of unhealthy mechanisms regarding food later on.

1\. When Ben Solo was very small, Kes Dameron and Shara Bey would nag him to eat more just because he was too skinny. Even in old holos where you compared the both of them, Poe shorter and healthier, Ben small and skinny and ghost-pale, one almost got the urge to hug the strange thin child in the holos if only because he looked so very vulnerable. So the Damerons insisted that Ben take second helpings if he wanted any. Not that Ben minded. He didn't mind going to the Damerons' at all; there were times he wished home was like the Damerons' home instead of how it was now.   
  
2\. Even as Ben got older, he still loved going to the Damerons'. Kes Dameron always made incredibly good food, and there was always something about talking with him and Poe (though he still missed Shara Bey) that was always comforting to do.   
  
3\. Ben wishes at times that he wasn't so skinny. Mike says it's a blessing, that he's lucky, but Ben can't say he agrees. He's occasionally tested himself, even eaten until he can barely move, but he never seems to actually gain weight, he just gets tall. He's nothing like his mother, who's short, or his father, who's average. Ben's grandfather was tall, his uncle says. Handsome too. Ben knows that he isn't quite handsome either. Adorable at best. He is Ben Solo, adorable and too tall and skinny, and awkward too. He actually wishes he could gain weight, get a little bigger, because he hates how skinny he is. He doesn't gain weight in the way he thinks, of course. As he gets older it turns to muscle. He's just Ben, he supposes. Ben, skinny, adorable, tall.   
  
4\. He's watching a vapid holo with Poe, when he's eighteen and Poe's twenty-one, when he pictures Poe's fingers passing his lips, passing a berry between them as Ben swallows. He can picture Poe's fingers, what they'll feel like, what they'll taste like passing between his lips. How sweet they'll taste. He has to look away from Poe, feeling suddenly shy, and grateful, very grateful, that Poe can't read minds.   
  
5\. "I daresay he underappreciates you," is what Yana says in regards to Ben bringing over yet another meal for Poe that he cooked himself. Ben can't say he sees it that way, though; there is always something in Poe's face that seems to brighten when Ben comes around. He just wishes that there was a way to tell Poe how he really felt without panicking.   
  
6\. When Poe reciprocates, their second date (after their first date climbing the Force Sensitive tree again) involves going out to dinner. Ben can enjoy the rich dinner they're having while also talking about how things are going. Ben talks about his training, for example, though he isn't ready to admit his deepest fear: that somehow, he won't be good enough.   
  
7\. When Ben's training, it's as if he's forcing his body to defy its most basic needs, just for nourishment, just for anything that could get in the way of being good enough. His body is too slow, too flawed, too sentient. He isn't good enough, he never has been. He can try, but even trying isn't good enough, you have to do it do not and he's good as not doing --   
  
So he strives. Every day there seems to be more to learn, but he'll do anything to keep his body pure, sharp, clean.   
  
(Later on, as Kylo Ren, he does the same thing. He keeps his body sharp and pure, unpolluted, even as he practices, even as he hones himself like a weapon. Anything to get control over that weak, disgusting, never-good-enough body of his)   
  
8\. His attempts to keep his body pure are all but sabotaged by Poe's cooking, but he can't begrudge him that, not really. He does enjoy feeling Poe's body (a healthier, well-fed and well-taken-care-of body that Ben loves worshipping) pressed against his own as Poe cooks, talking with Poe, laughing with him, joking about the dishes, things like that. And the warm, content sort of feeling in his belly that he carries over with him to the sparring sessions, where he feels, strangely, more energized. (Poe in general seems to enjoy feeding him; even after the picnic was a success, Poe's indulged some of Ben's other fantasies, things like Poe's honey-covered fingers slipping past his eager, hungry lips)   
  
9\. When Kylo Ren becomes who he is, the old habit of trying to purify his body returns. He trains ruthlessly, and when he does eat, it's usually the sort of food that's rather small and mushy and soupy. He's ruthless to his body, because he needs to be. He trains it to withstand pain, to withstand hunger, to withstand everything it can withstand. He cannot afford, after all, to fail. (He didn't train it to withstand emotion, at least not well. It's one of those factors that comes back to haunt him in his duel with his cousin, though he cannot bring himself to hate her, even a little. He never could. He loves her dearly, even after so many years apart)   
  
10\. It's hard to shed old habits when he goes back home to the Resistance. Even Kalonia pushing him to eat (and he knows she won't hurt him; she swore an oath to do no harm to her patients and yet he can't adjust) just leads him to pick at his food. Among other things, Kalonia has described him as being badly nourished, having scars on his body from Snoke's training, and generally in terrible shape.   
  
"How you're still functioning is a miracle," she says, and Ben -- is he Ben? Is he Kylo Ren? Is he both? He doesn't know -- can't help but be indignant. He is not badly nourished. Just because Kalonia could never understand...   
  
That's the issue. She doesn't understand. Even the food going into him...but does he have to be perfect now? Does he need to be? And more importantly, is there still a place for him in this new future and what will it be? Will he die? Will he just be kept alive to suffer? Will he be imprisoned? What will happen to him? Ben -- Kylo, Kylo-Ben, Ben-Kylo -- doesn't know. He just hopes that whatever happens, he can survive this.


End file.
